Review: No More Heroes on Wii

No More Heroes is not a great game. Still, I couldn't stop playing. It's the first Wii game I've actually completed, and one of the few that are actually enjoyable on this terrifically selling yet wholly underachieving system.

First off, it's a Suda51 game. You know, the guy that brought you Killer 7? It's weird. But it's also funny and ridiculously over-the-top. You play Travis Touchdown, a guy that won a lightsaber (excuse me - beam katana) in an online auction. He then decides to climb the ranks of the Assassination Association and maybe get some sex when he reaches #1. He's an assassin, so there's gonna be killing. Not Wii-style killing. This is bloody, spurting, Kill Bill killing. It's goofy crazy, and it's like nothing else on the Wii. There are F-bombs and half-naked women all over the place, and Travis keeps getting calls from the movie rental store letting him know that his porn is late. This is M-rated for a reason. Still, the stylish, cartoony look and sarcastic sense of humor keeps you from taking things too seriously.

However, the coolest aspect of the game by far is something the Wii was made for, yet few games actually utilize: an innovative control scheme. You push the A button to swing your sword, but after a combo you can push B to enter a quick wrestling mini-game in which you swing both the remote and the nunchuck in different directions once or twice to throw your enemy through the air. Or, if you lock swords with an enemy, you have to quickly rotate the remote in a circle to push them back, then swing the remote, sword-style, in the direction indicated on the screen. It sounds gimmicky, but it keeps you on your toes and keeps the battles engaging. You'll be swinging your arms all over the place and slicing the heads off 3, 4, or 5 enemies at once. It's supremely satisfying, and the only momentary slowdown you'll see is when you cut off 5 or more heads at once. Imagine it's just a slow-motion showcase for your mad killin' skills and it doesn't seem so bad. Another neat use of the remote: when Travis gets a cell phone call, the voice on the phone comes out of the Wii remote speaker, forcing you to hold the remote up to your ear like it's a phone, too. The first time I got a call, and I heard a faint voice, and I realized that it was coming from the remote, I thought, "No way! That's awesome!" Moments like this make the game so different, memorable and remarkable.

Still, like I said at the beginning, No More Heroes has a lot of issues. First, it's ugly as butt. Imagine playing Grand Theft Auto III... on a PS1. That's how bad the pop-up is. Also, you drive your motorcycle through town with surprisingly good handling, but the bike drives like it's twice as wide. You think that you're going to miss that car driving towards you, but SLAM! You crash and smash your face. Luckily, you don't get hurt, and neither does your bike. This is also kind of lame. No consequences for crashing? Weak. Also, there's a lot of unnecessary stuff in the game. You can collect trading cards during missions, but they serve exactly NO purpose. You live in a motel room with a phone, a fridge, and a cat, but none of these have a purpose. The fridge restores your health, but so does entering the motel room. The cat will stretch out on your belly and you can pet it, but this does nothing. You have a phone that receives calls, but you can't make calls, and you only answer the phone when you enter the room. Why does it even give you the option to pick up your phone then? Also, you can dress Travis in a variety of increasingly expensive clothing, but this serves no purpose other than your personal aesthetic taste. You're better off spending your money on one of the interesting strength-building training mini-games. You can also collect things called Lovikov Balls hidden around the city (similar to GTA's hidden packages), but the bonuses they provide are pointless. Also, the "open world" is far from open. It's small and constrained, and the cops, pedestrians, and traffic inhabiting it serve no purpose other than to increase the polygon count and impede your progress unnecessarily. And then there's the whole flow of the game...

The progression goes like this:
1. Get an invoice on your fax machine. This says how much money you need to deposit into the Association's bank account to buy your way into the next ranking match.
2. Collect money to pay the fee by doing a part-time job (collecting coconuts, mowing lawns) and then 2-3 assassination missions. The money you get paid for missions and jobs varies, but the pay feels rather arbitrary. In general, the farther you progress into the game, the more the fee is, and the more you'll get paid for jobs. The lack of a fast-travel option to get to and from missions is kind of a drag, though, and you'll be forced to continually bike your way back and forth across the featureless city.
3. Train at the gym (to a remake of "Eye of the Tiger" - sweet). Buy weapons, clothes, and new wrestling moves.
4. Deposit the money into the Assassination Association's account at the ATM.
5. Return to the motel; start a ranking mission.
6. Go through a level and fight a bunch of peons before you face the boss.
7. Repeat this ten times until you're ranked #1.

That's about it. The gameplay never changes drastically, but the pacing is just about perfect. You'll only have to do each mission once, and the progression is fast and happenin'. Also, the cutscenes that flesh out the story are wonderfully ridiculous, and the characters and bosses are clever and super weird. Also, there's a Galaga-like mini-game right in the middle of the story that breaks the monotony nicely. The game lasts about 10 hours, but you'll remember the fun characters and crazy weird storyline for much longer than that. No More Heroes isn't great, but it's memorable, different, and now only twenty bucks. If you have a Wii and are grown up enough for naughty words, inappropriate talk, and spurting blood, you need to play this. It's quite the experience, and its charms almost make up for its obvious flaws. Almost.

Rating: 7/10

Review: Metroid: Zero Mission on GBA

Zero Mission is, firstly, a remake of the original Metroid on NES. The original Metroid is widely regarded as a classic of... classic systems. Still, have you played it recently? It's wildly difficult because there's only one direction you can aim, and you will get lost without a map more than you'd like to admit. Zero Mission is less of a direct remake, and more of a re-imagining. It's an improvement in every way. If the original Metroid had sex with Super Metroid and shrunk to GBA size, this would be the spawn of their cartridgey loins. You can shoot in angles and squat. There's super missles. There are hidden secrets everywhere. This is Metroid-vania at it's finest. The graphics are crisp and colorful and the animations bring classic enemies to new life. The sounds and music drip of nostalgia and make you fall in love with Samus Aran all over again.

There are very few complaints I can come up with. One is that once you start finding the extra energy tanks packed into planet Zebes, the game gets pretty easy. None of the bosses pose much of a challenge, but the exploration aspect makes up for it. You always feel like you're discovering something new, and Samus continually improves in tangible ways. Also, the levels added into Zero Mission that were not in the original Metroid are beautifully crafted and full of clever puzzles and uses for your suit's upgrades. Unfortunately, this reminds you that the original levels were rather sparse and uninteresting. Maybe they should have just remade the entire game with all new levels, a la Master Quest (the Ocarina of Time remake on Gamecube)? Maybe Nintendo left them in and merely added to them for nostalgic fanboys.

One last note: the last level level packs in so much action that you may poop your pants a little. The final boss, Mother Brain, reminds you that classic games were TOUGH, and the appearance of the metroids remind you just how much you hated them when you were a kid. And then, here's the kicker... Mother Brain isn't the final boss! There's even more game after you think you won, and it's all heart-pounding and awesome. This trip down memory lane is well worth taking, and you can find this game at GameStop for $7 in their glass case. Get it.

Warning: if you play this while you're on the toilet, you'll forget what you were supposed to be doing in there, and you will sit there playing Metroid until your legs fall asleep. Don't fall on your Game Boy when you stand up with wobble-legs.

Rating: 9.5/10