Ta daa!

My first Club Nintendo purchase... it's so shiny and promptly delivered! Good job, Nintendo! You don't suck all the time after all. And there's reflection in my picture, I know, but that's because the game is still all sealed and beautiful! There's even a "Not for Resale" label on the back... I feel like I'm in a cool members-only club that has dues and things. And all I had to do was buy $800 worth of Nintendo stuff! What a deal.

A baby seal walks into a club...

Since the early days of the NES, there has been some form of the current Club Nintendo. The Super Mario Fun Club, My Nintendo, Nintendo Power Club, I'm sure there's more. Today, they offer special gifts to people who join the club and earn a certain number of points. The catch: you can only get points from official Nintendo products. First party games only. With the Wii, that's not so bad. Who's buys third party Wii games anyway? You get 30 points for registering a DS game and 50 points for a Wii game. At 300, you achieve "gold" status and at 600 you are "platinum." Also, with more points, you can cash them in for Nintendo cards or DS game cases or, the motherload, a Club Nintendo-exclusive Game & Watch Collection game for DS.

A number of months ago, a Tingle (the fruity elf guy from Zelda) game was made available to Japanese Cllub Nintendo members. Since then, the value of the game has basically skyrocketed. Hopefully, this game will do the same, because I have nearly enough points to order it. Still, it takes an awful lot of loyalty to afford it. 800 points = $800 spent on Nintendo products. And, since the Nintendo fiscal year ends on June 30th, I am fairly sure that Nintendo will mix up their rewards at that time. And then G&W will be gone forever! And that makes me a sad panda. But I do already have 720 points, and I'm sure there are some more Wii games sitting around this house. If only I cared about my Wii, I would know where the games are! I must have the shiny golden game. I don't even want to unwrap it or play it, however. I want to sell it when I'm 60 and buy a Ferrari with the profit.

Tipping the Scale

Scale has always been a strange technical issue in video games. You're limited by the size of the character, and the camera angle, and the hardware. In old NES games like Zelda 2, Link was the same size on the world map as an entire village. Once he was actually in the village, the buildings were bigger, yet the inside dimensions never seemed to match the outside, like that magical car from Harry Potter that could seat seven comfortably in the back seat while appearing to be a standard size from the outside. Later (much later), Final Fantasy VIII graced the PS1, and towns were finally getting a sense of scale. Sure, Squall still appeared to be as tall as the buildings while outside the city limits, but at least they weren't the same dimensions anymore. I just think it was the hardware. The one game I can think of in that entire console generation that had an entire world set to scale was Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. If you wanted to walk somewhere, it took you as long as it would in real life. It was improved even farther in Oblivion, and we now had a living, breathing world that resembled our own, if our own world had goblins lurking behind the registers at Wal-Mart.

Come to think of it, first-person-perspecitve games were always in scale. But the scope of the levels was always so constrained. Remember the first TimeSplitters that debuted with the PS2? The one where you didn't even have to look up or down, a la Doom? The levels, especially compared to sprawling RPG's like anything Square produced, were miniscule. Luckily, technology and game budgets nowadays are so out of control that even low-impact games can have a sense of scale and verisimilitude. Unless its Nintendo, then you're still doomed to be stuck with the kawaii big head, little feet, Pep Boys look. Hope you sprites have been working out your neck muscles! You're going to need them.

Time out!

Time travel in games has always been a tricky subject, yet that hasn't stopped numerous companies from trying it out (see: Shadow of Destiny, Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time, Braid, Chrono Trigger, Ocarina of Time, Prince of Persia, and plenty of others). The big paradox with time travel, though, is that if you go back in the past and affect something, you present will not change. It's in the past. Chronologically, you've already changed the past, and your present should be exactly the same. It's destiny. It's complicated, what with all the parallel universes that "could" be created by dabbling in the affairs of history. Games tend to ignore the idea that you can't affect the future. I mean, come on, the whole idea of playing a game is reliant on the idea that you can affect the game's/world's outcome. But did you ever see/read The Time Machine? He made a time machine to save his girlfriend's life, went back in time and saved her, and then she just found a different way to die. If she hadn't died, the time machine would not have been created, so the mere existence of the time machine ensured that she would eventually have to die to necessitate its creation. It's circular and very, very fate-based.

If I was Bill Gates and had a time machine, I'd go back in time and make the PS3 have the Red Ring of Death instead of my precious 360. But the world would already be like that if he did indeed have a time machine... so maybe Shigeru Miyamoto is the one with the time machine? He did invent Mario, Zelda, and Metroid. Despite the Nintendo president's recent assertion, he may, in fact, actually be God. Or at least own a time machine.

Tournament Time, Part II

Saturday, May 30th. The next GameStop tournament is coming to a town near you... Punch-Out!! That's right, Nintendo's newest and oldest fighter has a weak multiplayer mode that is apparently fun enough to make a tournament out of. You have to use the not-so-precise Wii Sports Boxing-esque motion controls and the only prize is a t-shirt for the winner. Who cares? Being the best in your city at something and winning a sure-to-be-amazing Punch-Out!! T-shirt is more than many average people could ask for. Sure, it might not be able to compete with the pink hoodie given out at the Nintendo World Store in NYC, but it would still fetch a pretty penny on eBay in a few months... or at least make all your retro-geek friends uber-jealous.

Wii(Shovel)Ware

There are WiiWare minimum sales requirements. In North America, if a game is over 16 mb, it has to sell 6,000 for the developers to see a profit. Under 16 mb, they only need to sell 4,000. Considering that there are over 20,000,000 Wiis in the world, that doesn't seem like too many, even considering how few people connect their systems to the internet. The idea is that it will prevent developers from constantly releasing crap shovelware titles, clogging the WiiWare catalog with sub-par games. If only retail Wii games would abide by the same methodology... maybe we wouldn't have "games" like Imagine: Party Babiez clogging the shelf space while lesser-known gems like Klonoa and Zack & Wiki are relegated to the bargain bins.

Remember the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality, a symbol (and a new way of thinking) that helped revitalize the video game industry after E.T. destroyed it? Nintendo should bring that back, and make quality matter again. Nintendo's first-party offerings continue to be terrific, but one great new game a year won't keep your system going. Third parties need to step up, and Nintendo needs to reach down a hand a give them a boost.

Mom's Day

It's Mother's Day... did you get her a card? Did you get her a Mother's Day version DS with Personal Trainer: Cooking? No? I hope not, that would probably just insult her. Cookbooks are bad ideas - they imply that you don't like her cooking. $150 cookbooks are very expensive bad ideas. Not to mention that the green DS Lite that you can get with the bundle is the only place you can find it, making it sure to be a collector's item someday, and also making sure that everyone knows that you got it from a son that really doesn't like your cooking. Yay for public embarrassment!

Not saying that moms don't like to play video games. I got my own mom Bejeweled Twist just this last Christmas, and I'm sure she loves it. It's true that they probably won't play the next iteration of Wolfenstein or Fallout, but there is enough room in the world for "casual gamers" that only like to play a quick game of Peggle before bed or to unwind after a long day at work. What's more, today's casual gamers could be tomorrow's hardcore gamers. Just because you're friends are excited about Lego Rock Band and you have no desire to even see it take up store shelves doesn't mean it won't give you two someething to talk about when he grows up to playing the real Rock Band. Come on, can't we all just get along? Moms, nerds, little brothers, and dogs? Yes, dogs too... don't be racist (humanist?). Just put some kibbles on your Wii-mote and let Fido go to town on it. I guarantee he'll win at least one match in Super Smash Brothers.

Minimum-Wage Games = Fun?

Minimum-wage work is the bane of a teenager's existence, yet it is a necessary evil to for him to afford gas, booze, and freedom from being forced to survive under his parents' constant observation and oppression. It's not fun. It's work. How can a game company make a game out of it? They can, apparently, and they do. Here's a partial list I came up with of entirely un-fun jobs that have been converted to game form:

- Order Up! - fast food
- Diner Dash - waitressing
- Cooking Mama - cook
- Harvest Moon - farmer
- Courier Crisis - bike messenger
- Crazy Taxi - cabbie

How do game companies pick their games' subjects? "Hey, working the register at a gas station is accessible enough to be done by a trained monkey... Let's make that into a WiiWare game!" Strangely, even the games that don't over-emphasize the danger and excitement of these menial jobs (like Crazy Taxi's over-the-top presentation and gameplay) still have a large element of fun to them. Harvest Moon is a great example. In it, you are a farmer. You grow crops, trade with townspeople, till your soil... standard farm stuff. Still, thousands of gamers buy the newest installment each time it's released and sink dozens upon dozens of hours into their virtual farm. For what? They are left with no real, tangible carrots to eat, and they don't have the satisfaction of actually cleaning the horse manure out of a stall with a shovel. Is Harvest Moon better than real farming because there's no poop smell? Is it because the virtual progression of crops is so much faster than in reality? Is it because gamers don't get sweaty using a virtual hoe? Maybe.

Today's game market is so over-saturated by "me-too" titles that game developers will look to exploit any untapped subject in an effort to appear innovative. When Wii Fit was released, it was a huge success. It was the type of "game" that hadn't really been tried seriously before, and Nintendo's risky move paid off in a huge way - Wii Fit is now one of the best-selling games of all time, and it's still incredibly difficult to find the game on store shelves. Sure, Order Up is a fast food simulator, but how many times have you seen one of those before? It even embraced it's demographic by including a paper hat and a $20 price tag. It will not be a best seller, ever. But there still exist so many untapped game subjects and gameplay innovations that I, for one, would try anything once. You don't want the only new games in the future to be Madden 2021 and Tony Hawk 19, do you? You'd better not.

Too much nostalgia

There is a new Punch-Out game coming for Wii. It let's you use the classic controller, nearly all of the characters are re-hashed from old Punch-Outs, and the only thing that looks to be updated is the graphics. And the jump from SNES sprites to Wii graphics is not that huge of a jump, honestly. Next month, millions of people will pay $50 for a game they already have. There won't be an online component to school middle-aged Wii players across the country. There probably won't even be a multiplayer component aside from a few party/mini-games. You will memorize patterns and use your reflexes to defeat boxers you've already defeted while moving up through ranks you've already attained 20 years ago.

Nostalgia is nice. Street Fighter IV took the best of the old, polished it to perfection, and added new, improved features. Punch-Out is taking the best of the old, and polishing it to perfection... and that's it. There are supposedly only two new fighters in the whole game, and the only one revealed so far is the incredibly boring-looking Disco Kid. He flashes white before he punches. Oooohhh innovative! Not.

Nintendo fans are so starved for "hardcore" games that they will gobble up any game that even appears to allude to the company's former glory in the 8- and 16-bit days, even when the games bring absolutely nothing new to the table. I understand the mentality of remaking a game. It's a guaranteed seller in a market in which financial risks are increasingly hard to justify. Okami's poor sales single-handedly shut down an entire studio. Still, while Nintendo fans may not always crave something completely different from what they've played before (who wouldn't want to play the next Metroid or Mario?), they do want something better than what we've already seen. Without progress there is only stagnation, and the Wii is starting to stink.

"Department" Stores

Florida has a Department of Citrus. It seems random and obscure, but the truth is that oranges and other citrus-y things are so important to the economy of Florida that it needs an entire governmental angency to make sure the input and output stay consistent enough that the state's economy keeps going. That's some powerful fruit. According to the stats I could find right on the suprisingly easy-to-navigate site, Florida made over $3.6 billion during the 2007-08 season on orange juice alone. In 2005, video games made over $10.5 billion, and that number has grown every year since then. Where are the government agencies protecting/regulating video games?

Certainly there's enough business generated by games to justify one. Seattle has Nintendo creating jobs and aiding the economy. And Silicon Valley has been the geek center of the universe for decades. We have, what, the ESRB? Woo. Instead of a group trying to help increase visibility, sales, and acceptability as an art form, gamers are left with nothing more than a glorified censoring agency. Instead of helping the world recognize the kind of innovative games we should be playing, we have a group pointing out all the things that are wrong with our favorite pastime. This self-regulation is not even good enough to prevent government interference, because every once in a while a Hot Coffee scandal makes every parent in the world fear for their children's innocence. Here's an idea, moms and dads... play the games your kids are playing first, or play them with them, to understand exactly what it is you are condemning. A game won't teach morality any more than a TV show will, and it's true - both of those things have some degree of power over the impressionable minds of children (otherwise, why would there even be Biblical programming attempting to teach morality lessons?). Don't use PlayStations and TV's as babysitters. There's nothing protecting games from people that would misuse them besides the parents. Scanning the buyer's driver's license barcode (Target) only goes so far. Jack Thompson is lurking in the shadows! He's disbarred, but he's not declawed, and neither is the rest of the world.

Shot down...

About a month ago, I applied to be a Localization Writer/Editor at Nintendo in Redmond, WA. I would basically take poorly translated Japanese games and make them sound beautiful and English. And now the job posting is gone. Shot down... not even a call. What did I do wrong? Probably everything. Must make this blog better, more impactful, and more meaningful! Especially if I will be putting it on my resumes...

So I will.

Tomorrow.

Good night for now, world.